Preparation

It's time for me to start preparing to go back to work and put the PNut into childcare. I won't lie, I'm nervous.

On one hand, I'm excited to have 'Gemma time' and I'm confident that PNut will really thrive in childcare and love having other children to play with. Let's hope she doesn't break too many hearts ;)

On the other hand, the thought of having to get up and get the two of us ready for work and daycare is a little exhausting [as I type I'm sitting her in my pyjamas - ahhh]. I know I'll be fine, and I know PNut will be fine, but as with any new situation, that nervousness is there.

There's been a bit of a drama with arranging 'family-friendly' hours with work, but I think that's partly do with most of our communication being via email and the wonder of the miscontrued words. The next stage is to go in and have a face-to-face chat with management about what hours/days are suitable for everyone involved and then arrange childcare to suit as well. Such fun before Christmas!

There's one thing I won't have to worry about - work clothes! I've been slowly going through all my clothes and I still fit into my old work clothes, and some are even too big. Not only is my bank account happy, but so is my self-esteem!

x

Slow the Eff Down

My life is crazy. Seriously crazy. I really wish it would slow down so that I could stop and smell the roses.

Some days, I barely cope. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I have to be strong for my daughter, because at the end of the day I'm all that she has. Her family are 1000km away. Waking up and knowing that I will be facing yet another struggle breaks me to the point of tears some days. The physical effort of lifting myself out of bed feels too great to bear and I just wish I could have a time out.

There have been times when I've been tempted to just give up and drive back to dad's. So incredibly tempted. I have to tell myself "Stay confident, or give up" and try and find the inner strength to stay confident, but eff it's hard at times. It seriously is. 

I know that I have to stay confident and strong for Penny though, as I know that by living in Brisbane, I can give her a much better and happier life. Sure, she is away from her family, but this is my home, and this is where I am happy. Call me selfish, but my happiness is important too.

We arrived in Brisbane in early October, and have finally found ourselves a home. We move in tomorrow and I am so glad that we will actually be able to settle down a bit. 

We almost didn't make it to check out the house though - on the way there, steam started appearing out of from underneath the bonnet of my car and I somehow managed to contain myself enough to pull over at the sight of cops. There were four men nearby also, and they rushed to my assistance. I hopped out of the car shaking, they told me 'Calm down, it's okay' and then realised I had a baby in the car. As I told a friend 'I was shaking like a dog sh!tting razor blades' as I tried to get Penny out. One of the men said 'It's okay, you don't need to get upset. Or is it more than just the car? Tomorrow will be a better day.'. I told him that I'd hoped that day would be my better day and that everything was going on.

They got the car going for me, and one of them gave me his number so that I could call him if I had any more issues. As I drove to my friend's place, I told myself 'Everything will be okay. This is just a minor setback. I will get the place in [insert suburb here] and I will not need my car.'. I amazed myself by believing so strongly in what I was saying and it worked. The house was ideal. 

Life is far too crazy. It seriously is. Even today, a relatively 'quiet' day, I felt myself wanting to just put Penny down for a nap and hoping that she'd stay sleeping for a few hours so that I could just have a break. I feel like the last (almost) 9 months have been spent in various states of exhaustion. The tension in my shoulders is ridiculous. Life is overwhelming me. 

So now that we've found a home, and other issues have (pretty much) been sorted, I'm really hoping that life will slow down a bit so that I can stop constantly thinking for a while. Leading up to the Silly Season, and with a broken car and rego looming over me, I doubt that will happen, but a girl can dream.

x

Slack Blogger

So much for not neglecting the blog!

Well, we're back in Queensland now, and I definitely feel like we're home - apart from the fact that we don't have a home. Currently staying with a friend, but so keen to have a place where we can settle in and unpack everything etc etc. It'll happen [or so I keep telling myself!]. 

Problem is, due to a lack of furniture, we're going to need to move into share accommodation [apparently it's handy to have a fridge and a lounge etc] and a lot of people are hesitant to have a baby as a housemate. I get that, but it seems like very few people will even give us a chance. Actually, it doesn't *seem* like, it's a fact! I've registered interest in many properties, but only two have agreed to let me look at the place, and the housemates haven't been the right 'fit'. I've had other people offer, but location/move timing have been the issue there.

So the wait continues, the struggle increases and my heart breaks more as I can't even give my baby a home.

x

Fun Times Ahead!

The next week and a half is going to be a busy busy time.

So much to look forward to, and some not so fun things to do. Luckily the good is outweighing the bad.

Tuesday I'm heading up to Sydney to spend a night or two with some of my lovely friends. I'm so looking forward to dressing up and going out for a nice dinner [let's hope PNut sleeps like an angel during dinner].

The following Wednesday, PNut and I will begin our road trip to Queensland. It's just a mumma and bubba road trip, so I'm a little nervous about that. I'm sure we'll be fine, but I can't help but be a little nervous. Plenty of stops have been planned along the way, and I'll load up the iPhone with tunes a plenty. Poor PNut will have to suffer two full days of mumma's car-aoke.

In between the fun times, I'll be packing, sorting, washing ... all the fun of travelling!

x

Road Trip!

The wheels are in motion [not literally] for our road trip back to Brisbane. The journey of 1100km+ for PNut, myself, and a roped in co-driver [still accepting applications for this role].

To get down to dad's/grandpa's my sister and niece flew up to Brisbane, and the four of us trekked down. PNut was about 6 weeks old at the time, and slept most of the way. My niece kept us well informed of this. "She's sleeping." "Muu-uuum, she's still sleeping!" "Aunty Gemma, Penny hasn't woken up yet". 

I will not be making the return trip with a talking child [unless a certain almost 7 month old decides she'll come out with first words between now and then].

This time, we'll trek back up in dad's trusty ol' car, with myself and my co-driver amusing ourselves with car-aoke with the tunes pumping out from my iPhone [the car has no stereo, according to dad it doesn't need one]. What can I say, I like to travel in style.

I'm really looking forward to getting back to Brisbane. So much so that today, feeling in the mood for some serious driving, I had an urge to just keep driving straight through town and as far as I could get. I refrained, as I haven't yet packed. That and a few of my lovely girlfriends would've been less than impressed as we're going on a girls trip in a week and a half's time. Oh, and the small matter of not yet having accommodation sorted.

Readers, I'd like to recommend to you all that you do not try and find accommodation from 1100km+ away from where you want to live. It's not an easy task. So our plan is to stay with a friend for a couple of months until PNut and I find our home. To be honest, I'm that keen to get back to Brisbane, I've considered camping out in someone's, anyone's!, backyard. PNut probably wouldn't be overly impressed, but it's never to early to camp, right?

Two days, a lot of road, good conversation, questionable car-aoke and wholesome fast food. Sounds like fun, right? Yes? Want to be a co-driver? 

x

Random Acts of Kindness

For something different, I'm doing a bit of procrastinating [and secretly hoping that load of washing will hang itself out] and watching The Circle.

They were discussing Random Acts of Kindness and it got me thinking about RAoK that have happened to me.

When I had PNut, I had nothing for her. After giving birth, I literally thought 'Shit. Where's she going to sleep? Can I put her on a pillow in a washing basket?'. I needn't have worried. When the visitors started arriving, so did the gifts. The generosity floored me. From people at work [both colleagues, and others who I knew from the floor I worked on, but didn't associate with] I was given a massive bag full of clothes, wipes and all sorts of bits and pieces, as well as a very generous voucher and some cash. Friends also brought gifts for myself and my new baby girl, and members of a forum I frequented also rallied together and gave me a voucher. So spoilt. So kind.

As a mum, you're often the recipient of RAoKs. Helping you on buses & trains, holding doors open. 

The last time I flew to Brisbane, I was trying to wheel a heavy suitcase and a stroller around. Not an easy task when the stroller can't be steered one-handed, but I was soldiering on. Then as I went to board a train, a lovely older gentleman grabbed my suitcase for me and offered to help. He helped me onto that train, off it at the airport, and up to the check-in floor. He was even going to wheel my suitcase over to the check-in counter for me. Bless. 

It's people like that who restore your faith in the world.

Have you been the recipient of a RAoK?

x

These Days

Here I sit. 26. Single. Mumma. Living with my dad. On Maternity Leave. 

If my 16-year-old self had looked 10 years into the future and viewed the 26-year-old me, she probably would've said "Really? Are you sure? That's me?!"

I've never really had grand plans for my life. I've dreamt of amazing possibilities, of successful careers. Not so much about the children and the partners. A sign of my fierce independence? Perhaps. A sign of the knowledge that these things would be a definite and didn't need to be dreamt of? More likely.

Once upon a time, I attended uni. I had dreams of a career as a journalist. Then I had to rethink decisions and work out what I really wanted. At the wise age of 19, I decided that the most important things for me were to be a wife and a mother.

So I became a wife. The possibility of becoming a mother was discussed. The husband kept delaying and delaying. I kept waiting and wondering what I was doing with my life in the meantime. Waiting, wondering, reassessing. Eventually I got jack of waiting and walked.

I walked into a new life. A life that felt more fitting for the person I was and am. A life that was mine. Where I made the decisions for me.

I toyed with the decision of settling down again, but realised that I was sacrificing myself again. So again I walked.

I walked into my old life. The more fitting life. I had one of the best years of my life. I was me. Friendships were strengthened, and new ones blossomed. In my 25th year I realised that I was finally confident in myself. I was happy being myself, and I felt strong enough to know that I would not let go of this person again. I was ready to let someone else into my life.

The person I had in mind wasn't really the person I got. I was thinking someone along the lines of a partner. Someone to share my life with. To laugh with, to love, to walk the paths of life with.

The person I got was my baby girl. I will share my life with here, I will laugh with her and love her. 

My baby girl is now almost seven months old and I'm ready to find that partner to share my life with. He's out there. Somewhere. Maybe closer than I think?

One thing is for sure, 'these days turned out nothing like I had planned'*.

*These Days, Powderfinger

Tragedy!

Okay, so in the grand scheme of things, it's an inconvenience, not a tragedy, but right now it feels like just when I had a foot back in the door of civilisation, said door swung closed and my foot is a little sore.

My laptop has gone to laptop heaven [figuratively speaking, it's actually sitting on the dining table]. It was working fine, then as I sat it down so I could dash downstairs to get the pizza, the screen went all funny. I thought nothing of it. Until I sat back down and tried to reboot. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Goneski. Kaput.

I tweeted about the demise of my lifeline, and a friend did some Dr. Googling for me. Self-diagnosis? Motherboard is motherbleeped.

I could, and perhaps should, go and confirm this at a computer store, but knowing that they'd probably charge me a ridiculous amount just to look at it, I decided to spare myself the torture of signing over more money every time I saw them, and the agony of waiting for a confirmed diagnosis and bought myself a new laptop.

I should have her late next week. Oh how I will adore her. Until then, I'll just have to use dad's laptop when I can, and also my iPhone [I'll try not to go over the data limit quite so much this time]. So blog posts will have to be a sacrifice, but I will blog when I can. It's only a week. Right? I can cope. Surely.

x

A Deeper Post

While watching an episode of Oprah [which is a rarity, I assure you] about past-life regression, one of the guests commented that "we choose our parents". 

I liked that, because I do believe that my daughter chose me. She came into my life at a time when becoming a mother couldn't have been further from my mind, but in hindsight, it was the right time.

My Nut is my living angel. She truly is. She has taught me to love with my entire being. She has taught me to love myself, to appreciate my strength and to appreciate that I can, and will, conquer any problem that gets in my way.

Her personality is so perfect: a fabulous combination of feisty, content and joyous. As my dad has said, she's everything I never knew I always wanted. Would she be here now if she hadn't chosen me? No. I was at a stage in my life where I was questioning whether or not I would even have children! P-Nut decided for me. P-Nut is a very wise girl.

My lucky Penny. I hope she feels lucky to have chosen me

x

Creativity

I'll confess. I'm  procrastinator. Big time.

So today, instead of doing washing or the dishes, I decided to make myself a little bag for my newly purchased Bloggie, to prevent it from getting trashed when it's put in the nappy bag.

I bought some fabric the other day with the intention of making the Nut some toys, but that hasn't happened as yet. [I started to attempt it the other night, but it didn't really work as well as planned] So I picked my fave, snipped and sewed, and ta-da:

[please excuse the linty trackies!]

It's not perfect, but I'm pretty chuffed with myself. Hand-sewn and all. Go me!

Happiness

I'm not a big fan of getting out of bed when it's cold, but when I peer over into the cot and see either a snoozing baby girl, or a freshly awoken one, my heart skips a beat and I'm filled with happiness. That baby girl is my daughter and boy oh boy do I love her so:

When a face like that is the first one you see in the morning, it's hard to not be happy!

x

Forgetful

I'm fairly sure I would actually forget my head somedays if it wasn't securely attached to my neck. No, seriously.

I'm shocking for remembering things. I'm calling 'baby brain', and I plan on milking that [pardon the pun] until the Nut is 20 months. Considering I spent the pregnancy not knowing she was actually in there, I have extra time to claim, right? I'll write off the first month, because a lot of people aren't aware they're pregnant in that time.

I take a shopping list with me when I go to town, and still forget stuff. As well as forgetting the things that I forgot to put on the list in the first place.

I put a load of washing on, then forget I've done it.

I get out of the car, lock the door, get the stroller, baby, handbag ... Then wonder where I've put the keys.

I think I need to buy myself a chalkboard, so I can actually keep track of what I need to do. 

First item on the list: check my head is still attached.

*chalkboard decals from lushlife studio 

Lazy Days

In my former life as a non-mother, I used to live for the weekends. No work to think about, just two days of fun/relaxation/whatever the heck I wanted [plus housework. I loathe doing the laundry. Ergh]. Loved them.

Now, as a mother, and living with my dad, weekends aren't as Gemma-friendly as they used to be. I turn into this person who overwhelms themselves with tasks so that dad actually thinks I do something [it's like I've reverted to being a teenager, and I'm no longer an adult when dad's around. No idea why, but it shits me.] Then Monday rolls around, and the Nut and I enjoy our lazy day. 

Decisions

The decisions of motherhood can't really be made in the space of a few hours. Cloth or disposable? Breastfeed or bottle? Co-sleep or cot? Carry or push? Vaginal or Caesarean? Drug-free or load me up?

The last two were decided for me. 
A certain stubborn little miss almost arrived while I was on the toilet [finding out your pregnant, then two hours later thinking you need to poo but quickly realising it's a different kind of push is scary. Feeling your baby's head between your legs is scarer] so a vaginal delivery it was. Thankfully she was tiny [2032g for the curious kittens out there] so I had no tears etc. The placenta was another matter.


As for the drugs? I'd taken OTC pain-killers at home, and had also tried massage, but they don't really help with labour pain! Once at the hospital, and prior to the pregnancy test, I was given a small amount of morphine. When I realised I was giving birth, after asking if my baby would be okay, I asked for pain relief. The response? "There's no time". 

As for the other questions?

Cloth or Disposable

After frequenting a forum for many years and reading about the wonders of modern cloth, I decided that this would probably be the route I would take. However having such a tiny baby, my choices were limited. I ordered prefolds and covers and waited an eternity for them to arrive, using disposables in the meantime. 
By the time the prefolds arrived, she was too big for them [fab]. I bought a couple of MCN's second-hand, to see if I liked using them, and was quickly convinced that cloth it would be. I'm not a 100% cloth girl though - it's generally disposable overnight, because cloth nappies and a 10-14 hour sleep don't necessarily mix well. 
When we go away, it's disposable all the way - I'd rather not tote around a bag full of dirty cloth nappies, and if I'm on holidays, I don't really want to be doing laundry. 

It's a good combo for us, and I find something really satisfying about hanging out a bunch of nappies. 

Breastfeed or Bottle

When I first saw my baby in the NICU, the nurse asked me if I was going to breastfeed. I told her I'd give it a go. I wasn't going to put an insane amount of pressure on either of us to breastfeed, I just wanted to do what worked for the both of us. 
So breastfeeding it was for the first 4-5 months, then we switched to a combo of breast and bottle, now she's all bottle [plus solids, my oh my does she love her solids!]. 

The decision to stop breastfeeding, was a little selfish, I will admit, but I feel so much better for it. I don't feel as exhausted, I don't feel like a cow, and I don't feel like I'm 'sacrificing' quite as much of myself. 
Adjusting to motherhood in such a short time was huge enough. I had to go from single, semi-party girl to mother. I love my girl to bits, but I need to love me too. The chubba has no complaints, and will happily slurp down her bottle. As her personality and cheekiness developed, she seemed to take feed time at the breast as a bit of a play time. Add to that the fact that she really didn't seem full enough and I didn't want to be giving a 4-5 month old three solid feeds per day, and I became completely comfortable with my decision. 
Washing bottles gets a bit tedious, but it feels nice to have that little bit of myself back. I'm sure the chubba appreciates that her mumma feels like she can be herself a bit more too.

Co-sleep or Cot?

When she first came home, she slept in a bassinette for most of the night, then I'd snuggle with her for a few hours in the morning. 

Once we moved to dad's, there was no choice but to co-sleep as I was unable to bring the bassinette down with me. It wasn't so much co-sleeping as sharing a bed. [FYI babies are bed-hogs!] At 4 months, she went into the cot, and she sleeps like a log in there! She averages 12 hours per night. Clearly nothing much fazes my little bublette.

Carry or push?

I like the idea of 'baby-wearing' but I found it hard to get comfortable wearing a sling/backpack, especially when she was tiny. I was worried about how well she was being supported. Then winter came, and I realised slings and things don't work well with the many layers of clothing I tend to wear [weird way to decide or what?] so for the most part she's been pushed. She loves being in the stroller and pram though. 
I'll dig out the sling again now that it's warming up and she's a bit stronger, and see how we go. It would be nice to have two hands free, and to be able to walk through the shops without having to navigate a wheel friendly course!

For such a planner, I think I've done well in my limited time to decide on the best choices for us. In a way, I think it's worked out better for me because I haven't put any unnecessary pressure on myself to do things one way or another.

Now for the big decision, given that it's election day and all ... What party to vote for?

x

Stop! Gemma Time

Disclaimer: Two posts in one day will not necessarily be a common occurrence, so don't be expecting it peeps.

Now that my life revolves around the life of a rather adorable little one, my Gemma time is cherished. As soon as dad [yes, I'm living with dad again] goes to bed, I feel like I'm finally totally relaxed and I love the few hours of alone time, and control of the tv, that I get of an evening. It's my time to pig out on biccies, milo, chocolate [if I don't eat it within an hour of purchasing it] .. I'm sure you get the picture. It's cherished, undistracted time alone. Bliss.

HOWEVER ... some nights, it would be nice to have someone to unwind with. To have them ask "How are you?" or "How was your day?" and be prepared for a potentially long-winded, venting answer. To have someone to bring me a cuppa, or go to the loo for me because I'm too comfy on the couch [okay, now I'm really dreaming]. Mostly, it'd be nice to have someone to cuddle - anyone know where I can buy a human-sized teddy bear?

That said, I think I'd still crave my time alone ... 'cause sometimes it's nice to just have some Gemma time

x

Six Months On ...

So finally I have the net here in The Uncivilised World. Fina-freaking-ly.

The past six months, since I was thrust into motherhood with only a few hours notice, have flown. Seriously. If you want time to fly, have a baby. Somehow, my itty bitty baby who'd been hiding out in my belly has gone from a scrawny [I can call her that, I'm her mother] spindly-limbed 2kg wee one, to a chubbafied cheeky, chunky-thighed [almost] 6kg to a not-so wee one.

Since my life as a mother began, I have felt emotions so intense they hurt. The love I feel Penny overwhelms me. Her smile can break my sadness quicker than you can say "Cheer up". The sadness I feel that I have no-one to share the highs and lows of parenthood with, no-one to lay in bed with at night, exhausted but wanting to talk about how beautiful my baby is and what we got up to that day. That sadness pains me. Literally. I actually ache. The happiness of knowing that I created that baby, and I've solo-parented her for the last six months and she is a happy and healthy girl. The pride I've gained in knowing that I have this amazing strength. The fear that this little life is in my hands. 

I wouldn't change any of it for the world. Well, maybe the sadness because isolation sucks [to put it bluntly]. If you'd told me seven months ago that my life would soon change, in a way I could never imagine, I certainly wouldn't have thought that you were suggesting I'd soon become a mum and experience life in a whole different light. I would've laughed and said "Sure. Whatever." and continued on my merry way. Or I would've thought that maybe you were suggesting I'd soon meet the man of my dreams, he'd sweep me off my feet, and  we'd go riding off into the sunset. Prince Charming or Instant Motherhood? Neither seemed like they'd be happening in a hurry! Especially not the latter, but no, this cheeky little baby of mine had been in her bunker and was ready to face the world. 

Now that I am a mumma, I can't imagine life without my Penny. She's the luckiest Penny I'll ever find. 

x