A Deeper Post

While watching an episode of Oprah [which is a rarity, I assure you] about past-life regression, one of the guests commented that "we choose our parents". 

I liked that, because I do believe that my daughter chose me. She came into my life at a time when becoming a mother couldn't have been further from my mind, but in hindsight, it was the right time.

My Nut is my living angel. She truly is. She has taught me to love with my entire being. She has taught me to love myself, to appreciate my strength and to appreciate that I can, and will, conquer any problem that gets in my way.

Her personality is so perfect: a fabulous combination of feisty, content and joyous. As my dad has said, she's everything I never knew I always wanted. Would she be here now if she hadn't chosen me? No. I was at a stage in my life where I was questioning whether or not I would even have children! P-Nut decided for me. P-Nut is a very wise girl.

My lucky Penny. I hope she feels lucky to have chosen me

x

Creativity

I'll confess. I'm  procrastinator. Big time.

So today, instead of doing washing or the dishes, I decided to make myself a little bag for my newly purchased Bloggie, to prevent it from getting trashed when it's put in the nappy bag.

I bought some fabric the other day with the intention of making the Nut some toys, but that hasn't happened as yet. [I started to attempt it the other night, but it didn't really work as well as planned] So I picked my fave, snipped and sewed, and ta-da:

[please excuse the linty trackies!]

It's not perfect, but I'm pretty chuffed with myself. Hand-sewn and all. Go me!

Happiness

I'm not a big fan of getting out of bed when it's cold, but when I peer over into the cot and see either a snoozing baby girl, or a freshly awoken one, my heart skips a beat and I'm filled with happiness. That baby girl is my daughter and boy oh boy do I love her so:

When a face like that is the first one you see in the morning, it's hard to not be happy!

x

Forgetful

I'm fairly sure I would actually forget my head somedays if it wasn't securely attached to my neck. No, seriously.

I'm shocking for remembering things. I'm calling 'baby brain', and I plan on milking that [pardon the pun] until the Nut is 20 months. Considering I spent the pregnancy not knowing she was actually in there, I have extra time to claim, right? I'll write off the first month, because a lot of people aren't aware they're pregnant in that time.

I take a shopping list with me when I go to town, and still forget stuff. As well as forgetting the things that I forgot to put on the list in the first place.

I put a load of washing on, then forget I've done it.

I get out of the car, lock the door, get the stroller, baby, handbag ... Then wonder where I've put the keys.

I think I need to buy myself a chalkboard, so I can actually keep track of what I need to do. 

First item on the list: check my head is still attached.

*chalkboard decals from lushlife studio 

Lazy Days

In my former life as a non-mother, I used to live for the weekends. No work to think about, just two days of fun/relaxation/whatever the heck I wanted [plus housework. I loathe doing the laundry. Ergh]. Loved them.

Now, as a mother, and living with my dad, weekends aren't as Gemma-friendly as they used to be. I turn into this person who overwhelms themselves with tasks so that dad actually thinks I do something [it's like I've reverted to being a teenager, and I'm no longer an adult when dad's around. No idea why, but it shits me.] Then Monday rolls around, and the Nut and I enjoy our lazy day. 

Decisions

The decisions of motherhood can't really be made in the space of a few hours. Cloth or disposable? Breastfeed or bottle? Co-sleep or cot? Carry or push? Vaginal or Caesarean? Drug-free or load me up?

The last two were decided for me. 
A certain stubborn little miss almost arrived while I was on the toilet [finding out your pregnant, then two hours later thinking you need to poo but quickly realising it's a different kind of push is scary. Feeling your baby's head between your legs is scarer] so a vaginal delivery it was. Thankfully she was tiny [2032g for the curious kittens out there] so I had no tears etc. The placenta was another matter.


As for the drugs? I'd taken OTC pain-killers at home, and had also tried massage, but they don't really help with labour pain! Once at the hospital, and prior to the pregnancy test, I was given a small amount of morphine. When I realised I was giving birth, after asking if my baby would be okay, I asked for pain relief. The response? "There's no time". 

As for the other questions?

Cloth or Disposable

After frequenting a forum for many years and reading about the wonders of modern cloth, I decided that this would probably be the route I would take. However having such a tiny baby, my choices were limited. I ordered prefolds and covers and waited an eternity for them to arrive, using disposables in the meantime. 
By the time the prefolds arrived, she was too big for them [fab]. I bought a couple of MCN's second-hand, to see if I liked using them, and was quickly convinced that cloth it would be. I'm not a 100% cloth girl though - it's generally disposable overnight, because cloth nappies and a 10-14 hour sleep don't necessarily mix well. 
When we go away, it's disposable all the way - I'd rather not tote around a bag full of dirty cloth nappies, and if I'm on holidays, I don't really want to be doing laundry. 

It's a good combo for us, and I find something really satisfying about hanging out a bunch of nappies. 

Breastfeed or Bottle

When I first saw my baby in the NICU, the nurse asked me if I was going to breastfeed. I told her I'd give it a go. I wasn't going to put an insane amount of pressure on either of us to breastfeed, I just wanted to do what worked for the both of us. 
So breastfeeding it was for the first 4-5 months, then we switched to a combo of breast and bottle, now she's all bottle [plus solids, my oh my does she love her solids!]. 

The decision to stop breastfeeding, was a little selfish, I will admit, but I feel so much better for it. I don't feel as exhausted, I don't feel like a cow, and I don't feel like I'm 'sacrificing' quite as much of myself. 
Adjusting to motherhood in such a short time was huge enough. I had to go from single, semi-party girl to mother. I love my girl to bits, but I need to love me too. The chubba has no complaints, and will happily slurp down her bottle. As her personality and cheekiness developed, she seemed to take feed time at the breast as a bit of a play time. Add to that the fact that she really didn't seem full enough and I didn't want to be giving a 4-5 month old three solid feeds per day, and I became completely comfortable with my decision. 
Washing bottles gets a bit tedious, but it feels nice to have that little bit of myself back. I'm sure the chubba appreciates that her mumma feels like she can be herself a bit more too.

Co-sleep or Cot?

When she first came home, she slept in a bassinette for most of the night, then I'd snuggle with her for a few hours in the morning. 

Once we moved to dad's, there was no choice but to co-sleep as I was unable to bring the bassinette down with me. It wasn't so much co-sleeping as sharing a bed. [FYI babies are bed-hogs!] At 4 months, she went into the cot, and she sleeps like a log in there! She averages 12 hours per night. Clearly nothing much fazes my little bublette.

Carry or push?

I like the idea of 'baby-wearing' but I found it hard to get comfortable wearing a sling/backpack, especially when she was tiny. I was worried about how well she was being supported. Then winter came, and I realised slings and things don't work well with the many layers of clothing I tend to wear [weird way to decide or what?] so for the most part she's been pushed. She loves being in the stroller and pram though. 
I'll dig out the sling again now that it's warming up and she's a bit stronger, and see how we go. It would be nice to have two hands free, and to be able to walk through the shops without having to navigate a wheel friendly course!

For such a planner, I think I've done well in my limited time to decide on the best choices for us. In a way, I think it's worked out better for me because I haven't put any unnecessary pressure on myself to do things one way or another.

Now for the big decision, given that it's election day and all ... What party to vote for?

x

Stop! Gemma Time

Disclaimer: Two posts in one day will not necessarily be a common occurrence, so don't be expecting it peeps.

Now that my life revolves around the life of a rather adorable little one, my Gemma time is cherished. As soon as dad [yes, I'm living with dad again] goes to bed, I feel like I'm finally totally relaxed and I love the few hours of alone time, and control of the tv, that I get of an evening. It's my time to pig out on biccies, milo, chocolate [if I don't eat it within an hour of purchasing it] .. I'm sure you get the picture. It's cherished, undistracted time alone. Bliss.

HOWEVER ... some nights, it would be nice to have someone to unwind with. To have them ask "How are you?" or "How was your day?" and be prepared for a potentially long-winded, venting answer. To have someone to bring me a cuppa, or go to the loo for me because I'm too comfy on the couch [okay, now I'm really dreaming]. Mostly, it'd be nice to have someone to cuddle - anyone know where I can buy a human-sized teddy bear?

That said, I think I'd still crave my time alone ... 'cause sometimes it's nice to just have some Gemma time

x

Six Months On ...

So finally I have the net here in The Uncivilised World. Fina-freaking-ly.

The past six months, since I was thrust into motherhood with only a few hours notice, have flown. Seriously. If you want time to fly, have a baby. Somehow, my itty bitty baby who'd been hiding out in my belly has gone from a scrawny [I can call her that, I'm her mother] spindly-limbed 2kg wee one, to a chubbafied cheeky, chunky-thighed [almost] 6kg to a not-so wee one.

Since my life as a mother began, I have felt emotions so intense they hurt. The love I feel Penny overwhelms me. Her smile can break my sadness quicker than you can say "Cheer up". The sadness I feel that I have no-one to share the highs and lows of parenthood with, no-one to lay in bed with at night, exhausted but wanting to talk about how beautiful my baby is and what we got up to that day. That sadness pains me. Literally. I actually ache. The happiness of knowing that I created that baby, and I've solo-parented her for the last six months and she is a happy and healthy girl. The pride I've gained in knowing that I have this amazing strength. The fear that this little life is in my hands. 

I wouldn't change any of it for the world. Well, maybe the sadness because isolation sucks [to put it bluntly]. If you'd told me seven months ago that my life would soon change, in a way I could never imagine, I certainly wouldn't have thought that you were suggesting I'd soon become a mum and experience life in a whole different light. I would've laughed and said "Sure. Whatever." and continued on my merry way. Or I would've thought that maybe you were suggesting I'd soon meet the man of my dreams, he'd sweep me off my feet, and  we'd go riding off into the sunset. Prince Charming or Instant Motherhood? Neither seemed like they'd be happening in a hurry! Especially not the latter, but no, this cheeky little baby of mine had been in her bunker and was ready to face the world. 

Now that I am a mumma, I can't imagine life without my Penny. She's the luckiest Penny I'll ever find. 

x