Slow the Eff Down

My life is crazy. Seriously crazy. I really wish it would slow down so that I could stop and smell the roses.

Some days, I barely cope. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I have to be strong for my daughter, because at the end of the day I'm all that she has. Her family are 1000km away. Waking up and knowing that I will be facing yet another struggle breaks me to the point of tears some days. The physical effort of lifting myself out of bed feels too great to bear and I just wish I could have a time out.

There have been times when I've been tempted to just give up and drive back to dad's. So incredibly tempted. I have to tell myself "Stay confident, or give up" and try and find the inner strength to stay confident, but eff it's hard at times. It seriously is. 

I know that I have to stay confident and strong for Penny though, as I know that by living in Brisbane, I can give her a much better and happier life. Sure, she is away from her family, but this is my home, and this is where I am happy. Call me selfish, but my happiness is important too.

We arrived in Brisbane in early October, and have finally found ourselves a home. We move in tomorrow and I am so glad that we will actually be able to settle down a bit. 

We almost didn't make it to check out the house though - on the way there, steam started appearing out of from underneath the bonnet of my car and I somehow managed to contain myself enough to pull over at the sight of cops. There were four men nearby also, and they rushed to my assistance. I hopped out of the car shaking, they told me 'Calm down, it's okay' and then realised I had a baby in the car. As I told a friend 'I was shaking like a dog sh!tting razor blades' as I tried to get Penny out. One of the men said 'It's okay, you don't need to get upset. Or is it more than just the car? Tomorrow will be a better day.'. I told him that I'd hoped that day would be my better day and that everything was going on.

They got the car going for me, and one of them gave me his number so that I could call him if I had any more issues. As I drove to my friend's place, I told myself 'Everything will be okay. This is just a minor setback. I will get the place in [insert suburb here] and I will not need my car.'. I amazed myself by believing so strongly in what I was saying and it worked. The house was ideal. 

Life is far too crazy. It seriously is. Even today, a relatively 'quiet' day, I felt myself wanting to just put Penny down for a nap and hoping that she'd stay sleeping for a few hours so that I could just have a break. I feel like the last (almost) 9 months have been spent in various states of exhaustion. The tension in my shoulders is ridiculous. Life is overwhelming me. 

So now that we've found a home, and other issues have (pretty much) been sorted, I'm really hoping that life will slow down a bit so that I can stop constantly thinking for a while. Leading up to the Silly Season, and with a broken car and rego looming over me, I doubt that will happen, but a girl can dream.

x