Acceptance

I've battled a lot with my self-worth/self-esteem/self-confidence over the years. It's taken a lot of time and tears to get where I am today, and despite certain feelings that pop up from time to time, I am happy with where I am.

I accept who I am, the choices I have made, the path I have taken. I am proud of who I am today, despite not always being proud of the choices I have made, and despite hitting potholes along that path that at times seemed so overwhelming I wasn't sure that I would find a way out.

If I focus on the positives in my life, I can accept where I am and take strength from knowing that the I can rid myself of the negatives, it'll just take some time. Sure, I get damn sick of fighting for what I want, and at times it doesn't feel like the battle is worth the reward but I let myself cry those tears that need to be shed. I let the negative feelings out to allow more room for the positive. Sometimes that need arises more frequently, but so be it. 

I accept who I am. I accept that I am doing the best I can right now. I accept that I've fought hard to be where I am, and that in doing so, I can truly appreciate the happiness that I do have.

I think self-acceptance is important, much like self-love. If we don't accept and love ourselves, how can we let others truly do the same?

Surviving the First Year

In eight days, my little PNut will be one. She will move from babyhood, to toddlerdom. I'm scared, amazed, proud and in shock.

This time a year ago, I was blissfully unaware of what would happen in the very near future. I was going to work each day, going through the motions, experiencing a lot of tiredness, and happy with who I was and where I was.

This time a year ago, becoming a mother was definitely not on my radar. I was in a 'I wonder if I'll ever have kids' phase. I was accepting of my singledom, and ready to really enjoy life as Gemma.

Then things changed. Dramatically. 51 weeks ago today, I unexpectedly gave birth to an amazing little human who has changed my life in the most amazing way. She has grounded me, taught me to love as I've never loved before, made me appreciate life, and taught me to appreciate and be proud of myself.

Honestly, I find it hard to believe that I've gotten this far without giving up. I have come so darn close to it at times, but I push through it. My darling daughter reminds me that I can and will get through it, no matter how low I get, and no matter how hard it is to claw myself back out. 

It has been a blur of a year, I can barely remember 2010, but damn I'm proud of myself for getting through it, despite those low points.

I get a bit teary when I see my little girl asleep in her cot and realise she is becoming just that: a little girl {I'm tearing up as I type this!}. My teensy little baby who seemed so fragile and breakable, is now becoming a rambunctious, cheeky, independent little girl with a fabulous, bubbly personality. 

She takes everything in her stride. Sickness, time away from mum, meeting new people. She's amazing.

At the risk of sounding conceited, she's that way because of me. I am the person who she has seen every single day of her life. Who has nurtured her, fed her, changed her, bathed her, taught her, gotten frustrated with her, loved her, and adored her. So surely I've played some part in her developing into the gorgeous person that she is becoming.

I'm damn proud of myself for surviving the first year. I'm proud that I've ridden the rollercoaster, despite the temptation to bail at times. I'm proud that through all those down times, I've pushed and somehow found it within myself to 'JFDI'. There have been times when getting out of bed seemed like a massive struggle. When changing a nappy, or giving her a bottle seemed like far too much effort. Yes, even those small tasks were so bloody hard at times.

Mostly, I'm proud of my daughter. I'm proud of her for being an absolutely adorable little girl who has a beautiful beaming grin that can light up anyone's day. 

So in 8 days time, as I wish my baby a happy birthday, and welcome her into the world of toddlerdom, I'll give us both a pat on the back for surviving the first year and heading into the second with smiles on our faces.

x

Slack Again!

I really must set myself a weekly date to blog!

In the two and a bit months since my last post, it's been an interesting time. I've encountered housemate issues, had a wonderful Christmas holiday with Miss Penny, gained a new friend who I've already created wonderful memories with, and the daycare/work days have begun.

I'm surprised at how well things are going with work and daycare. We have our routine sorted, and it's working really well so far. Granted, we're only in week two, but hey, if the first week was a success that's a good thing, right?

Penny LOVES daycare. I wasn't too concerned with how she'd handle daycare, because she's such a happy, sociable little girl. We can't even go on a short busride without her trying to make a new friend. With those big, blue eyes and a gorgeous, beaming, three-toothed smile, she's already showing me that she's going to be a bit of a handful when she's older and trying to get away with everything and anything. Bless her sweet little self.

The carers and parents were surprised on Penny's first day - they couldn't believe how well she handled it. That's my girl though :) 

Work was a bit of a pain at first, as they hadn't properly prepared for my return I.T. wise, and since I'm the first of the mat-leavers to return, I was a bit of a guinea pig. Almost everything is good to go now though, so now it's just the issue of getting me trained up.

Currently, I'm only working three days, but am already considering increasing that to four days. As much as I love my long weekend, I feel I'd be more productive if I worked four days. Also, the way my week is structured at the moment is a bit annoying: three day weekend, work one day, have a day off, work two days, repeat. I think I'd prefer two days on, one day off, two days on, but I won't jump into it just yet. I'll give it a little more time, and also continue to keep an eye out for an alternative role - one that's a little more family friendly, as I'm only able to work my shorter hours until July, after which they may need me to go back to normal hours which is impractical.

Penny is such a gorgeous little girl who is getting too darned grown up! In just over two weeks, she'll be one. I cannot believe how fast that year has gone! 2010 was such a blur, but a good blur, because it brought me my baby girl.  She crawls around at lightning speed, pulls herself up on any furniture she can reach, and is getting very stable on her feet. It won't be long before she's standing unassisted, she's already trying it! I don't think walking will be too far away either, she's pretty confident taking steps if I hold her hands.

We've also been very fortunate to avoid the crazy weather that's hit Queensland. Just a few days before the floods hit Brisbane I was cursing the fact that I live in a hilly area, because the morning walk was a killer on the legs! I was soon thankful though. We didn't cop much of the weather at all, despite being less than 10km from the CBD. So surreal.

And as it turns out, the floods brought a big dose of happiness back into my life. After they'd hit, I contacted an old friend as he lives in one of the suburbs that was hit. It was just a text to say that I hoped he went okay in the floods, but from there we decided to catch up, and it was a fabulous decision. It turns out we'd both been thinking about contacting each other. I'm so very glad that I did find the confidence to send the text, even though I didn't necessarily expect a response, and for things to eventuate wasn't even on my radar, but life has a funny way of sorting these things out. 

The housemate issues are still existent, not quite as bad as they were when they first reared their ugly head, but enough for me to be desperate to move. It saddens me that Penny is nearly one and yet to have a proper home, and it frustrates me somewhat that I've been sharing a room with her for almost every night of that time. Mumma needs a little space!

I'll keep my chin up, and try not to let the negative take control. It's time to focus on the positive and keep a smile on my face!

x