These Days

Here I sit. 26. Single. Mumma. Living with my dad. On Maternity Leave. 

If my 16-year-old self had looked 10 years into the future and viewed the 26-year-old me, she probably would've said "Really? Are you sure? That's me?!"

I've never really had grand plans for my life. I've dreamt of amazing possibilities, of successful careers. Not so much about the children and the partners. A sign of my fierce independence? Perhaps. A sign of the knowledge that these things would be a definite and didn't need to be dreamt of? More likely.

Once upon a time, I attended uni. I had dreams of a career as a journalist. Then I had to rethink decisions and work out what I really wanted. At the wise age of 19, I decided that the most important things for me were to be a wife and a mother.

So I became a wife. The possibility of becoming a mother was discussed. The husband kept delaying and delaying. I kept waiting and wondering what I was doing with my life in the meantime. Waiting, wondering, reassessing. Eventually I got jack of waiting and walked.

I walked into a new life. A life that felt more fitting for the person I was and am. A life that was mine. Where I made the decisions for me.

I toyed with the decision of settling down again, but realised that I was sacrificing myself again. So again I walked.

I walked into my old life. The more fitting life. I had one of the best years of my life. I was me. Friendships were strengthened, and new ones blossomed. In my 25th year I realised that I was finally confident in myself. I was happy being myself, and I felt strong enough to know that I would not let go of this person again. I was ready to let someone else into my life.

The person I had in mind wasn't really the person I got. I was thinking someone along the lines of a partner. Someone to share my life with. To laugh with, to love, to walk the paths of life with.

The person I got was my baby girl. I will share my life with here, I will laugh with her and love her. 

My baby girl is now almost seven months old and I'm ready to find that partner to share my life with. He's out there. Somewhere. Maybe closer than I think?

One thing is for sure, 'these days turned out nothing like I had planned'*.

*These Days, Powderfinger