Preparation

It's time for me to start preparing to go back to work and put the PNut into childcare. I won't lie, I'm nervous.

On one hand, I'm excited to have 'Gemma time' and I'm confident that PNut will really thrive in childcare and love having other children to play with. Let's hope she doesn't break too many hearts ;)

On the other hand, the thought of having to get up and get the two of us ready for work and daycare is a little exhausting [as I type I'm sitting her in my pyjamas - ahhh]. I know I'll be fine, and I know PNut will be fine, but as with any new situation, that nervousness is there.

There's been a bit of a drama with arranging 'family-friendly' hours with work, but I think that's partly do with most of our communication being via email and the wonder of the miscontrued words. The next stage is to go in and have a face-to-face chat with management about what hours/days are suitable for everyone involved and then arrange childcare to suit as well. Such fun before Christmas!

There's one thing I won't have to worry about - work clothes! I've been slowly going through all my clothes and I still fit into my old work clothes, and some are even too big. Not only is my bank account happy, but so is my self-esteem!

x

Slow the Eff Down

My life is crazy. Seriously crazy. I really wish it would slow down so that I could stop and smell the roses.

Some days, I barely cope. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I have to be strong for my daughter, because at the end of the day I'm all that she has. Her family are 1000km away. Waking up and knowing that I will be facing yet another struggle breaks me to the point of tears some days. The physical effort of lifting myself out of bed feels too great to bear and I just wish I could have a time out.

There have been times when I've been tempted to just give up and drive back to dad's. So incredibly tempted. I have to tell myself "Stay confident, or give up" and try and find the inner strength to stay confident, but eff it's hard at times. It seriously is. 

I know that I have to stay confident and strong for Penny though, as I know that by living in Brisbane, I can give her a much better and happier life. Sure, she is away from her family, but this is my home, and this is where I am happy. Call me selfish, but my happiness is important too.

We arrived in Brisbane in early October, and have finally found ourselves a home. We move in tomorrow and I am so glad that we will actually be able to settle down a bit. 

We almost didn't make it to check out the house though - on the way there, steam started appearing out of from underneath the bonnet of my car and I somehow managed to contain myself enough to pull over at the sight of cops. There were four men nearby also, and they rushed to my assistance. I hopped out of the car shaking, they told me 'Calm down, it's okay' and then realised I had a baby in the car. As I told a friend 'I was shaking like a dog sh!tting razor blades' as I tried to get Penny out. One of the men said 'It's okay, you don't need to get upset. Or is it more than just the car? Tomorrow will be a better day.'. I told him that I'd hoped that day would be my better day and that everything was going on.

They got the car going for me, and one of them gave me his number so that I could call him if I had any more issues. As I drove to my friend's place, I told myself 'Everything will be okay. This is just a minor setback. I will get the place in [insert suburb here] and I will not need my car.'. I amazed myself by believing so strongly in what I was saying and it worked. The house was ideal. 

Life is far too crazy. It seriously is. Even today, a relatively 'quiet' day, I felt myself wanting to just put Penny down for a nap and hoping that she'd stay sleeping for a few hours so that I could just have a break. I feel like the last (almost) 9 months have been spent in various states of exhaustion. The tension in my shoulders is ridiculous. Life is overwhelming me. 

So now that we've found a home, and other issues have (pretty much) been sorted, I'm really hoping that life will slow down a bit so that I can stop constantly thinking for a while. Leading up to the Silly Season, and with a broken car and rego looming over me, I doubt that will happen, but a girl can dream.

x

Slack Blogger

So much for not neglecting the blog!

Well, we're back in Queensland now, and I definitely feel like we're home - apart from the fact that we don't have a home. Currently staying with a friend, but so keen to have a place where we can settle in and unpack everything etc etc. It'll happen [or so I keep telling myself!]. 

Problem is, due to a lack of furniture, we're going to need to move into share accommodation [apparently it's handy to have a fridge and a lounge etc] and a lot of people are hesitant to have a baby as a housemate. I get that, but it seems like very few people will even give us a chance. Actually, it doesn't *seem* like, it's a fact! I've registered interest in many properties, but only two have agreed to let me look at the place, and the housemates haven't been the right 'fit'. I've had other people offer, but location/move timing have been the issue there.

So the wait continues, the struggle increases and my heart breaks more as I can't even give my baby a home.

x

Fun Times Ahead!

The next week and a half is going to be a busy busy time.

So much to look forward to, and some not so fun things to do. Luckily the good is outweighing the bad.

Tuesday I'm heading up to Sydney to spend a night or two with some of my lovely friends. I'm so looking forward to dressing up and going out for a nice dinner [let's hope PNut sleeps like an angel during dinner].

The following Wednesday, PNut and I will begin our road trip to Queensland. It's just a mumma and bubba road trip, so I'm a little nervous about that. I'm sure we'll be fine, but I can't help but be a little nervous. Plenty of stops have been planned along the way, and I'll load up the iPhone with tunes a plenty. Poor PNut will have to suffer two full days of mumma's car-aoke.

In between the fun times, I'll be packing, sorting, washing ... all the fun of travelling!

x

Road Trip!

The wheels are in motion [not literally] for our road trip back to Brisbane. The journey of 1100km+ for PNut, myself, and a roped in co-driver [still accepting applications for this role].

To get down to dad's/grandpa's my sister and niece flew up to Brisbane, and the four of us trekked down. PNut was about 6 weeks old at the time, and slept most of the way. My niece kept us well informed of this. "She's sleeping." "Muu-uuum, she's still sleeping!" "Aunty Gemma, Penny hasn't woken up yet". 

I will not be making the return trip with a talking child [unless a certain almost 7 month old decides she'll come out with first words between now and then].

This time, we'll trek back up in dad's trusty ol' car, with myself and my co-driver amusing ourselves with car-aoke with the tunes pumping out from my iPhone [the car has no stereo, according to dad it doesn't need one]. What can I say, I like to travel in style.

I'm really looking forward to getting back to Brisbane. So much so that today, feeling in the mood for some serious driving, I had an urge to just keep driving straight through town and as far as I could get. I refrained, as I haven't yet packed. That and a few of my lovely girlfriends would've been less than impressed as we're going on a girls trip in a week and a half's time. Oh, and the small matter of not yet having accommodation sorted.

Readers, I'd like to recommend to you all that you do not try and find accommodation from 1100km+ away from where you want to live. It's not an easy task. So our plan is to stay with a friend for a couple of months until PNut and I find our home. To be honest, I'm that keen to get back to Brisbane, I've considered camping out in someone's, anyone's!, backyard. PNut probably wouldn't be overly impressed, but it's never to early to camp, right?

Two days, a lot of road, good conversation, questionable car-aoke and wholesome fast food. Sounds like fun, right? Yes? Want to be a co-driver? 

x

Random Acts of Kindness

For something different, I'm doing a bit of procrastinating [and secretly hoping that load of washing will hang itself out] and watching The Circle.

They were discussing Random Acts of Kindness and it got me thinking about RAoK that have happened to me.

When I had PNut, I had nothing for her. After giving birth, I literally thought 'Shit. Where's she going to sleep? Can I put her on a pillow in a washing basket?'. I needn't have worried. When the visitors started arriving, so did the gifts. The generosity floored me. From people at work [both colleagues, and others who I knew from the floor I worked on, but didn't associate with] I was given a massive bag full of clothes, wipes and all sorts of bits and pieces, as well as a very generous voucher and some cash. Friends also brought gifts for myself and my new baby girl, and members of a forum I frequented also rallied together and gave me a voucher. So spoilt. So kind.

As a mum, you're often the recipient of RAoKs. Helping you on buses & trains, holding doors open. 

The last time I flew to Brisbane, I was trying to wheel a heavy suitcase and a stroller around. Not an easy task when the stroller can't be steered one-handed, but I was soldiering on. Then as I went to board a train, a lovely older gentleman grabbed my suitcase for me and offered to help. He helped me onto that train, off it at the airport, and up to the check-in floor. He was even going to wheel my suitcase over to the check-in counter for me. Bless. 

It's people like that who restore your faith in the world.

Have you been the recipient of a RAoK?

x

These Days

Here I sit. 26. Single. Mumma. Living with my dad. On Maternity Leave. 

If my 16-year-old self had looked 10 years into the future and viewed the 26-year-old me, she probably would've said "Really? Are you sure? That's me?!"

I've never really had grand plans for my life. I've dreamt of amazing possibilities, of successful careers. Not so much about the children and the partners. A sign of my fierce independence? Perhaps. A sign of the knowledge that these things would be a definite and didn't need to be dreamt of? More likely.

Once upon a time, I attended uni. I had dreams of a career as a journalist. Then I had to rethink decisions and work out what I really wanted. At the wise age of 19, I decided that the most important things for me were to be a wife and a mother.

So I became a wife. The possibility of becoming a mother was discussed. The husband kept delaying and delaying. I kept waiting and wondering what I was doing with my life in the meantime. Waiting, wondering, reassessing. Eventually I got jack of waiting and walked.

I walked into a new life. A life that felt more fitting for the person I was and am. A life that was mine. Where I made the decisions for me.

I toyed with the decision of settling down again, but realised that I was sacrificing myself again. So again I walked.

I walked into my old life. The more fitting life. I had one of the best years of my life. I was me. Friendships were strengthened, and new ones blossomed. In my 25th year I realised that I was finally confident in myself. I was happy being myself, and I felt strong enough to know that I would not let go of this person again. I was ready to let someone else into my life.

The person I had in mind wasn't really the person I got. I was thinking someone along the lines of a partner. Someone to share my life with. To laugh with, to love, to walk the paths of life with.

The person I got was my baby girl. I will share my life with here, I will laugh with her and love her. 

My baby girl is now almost seven months old and I'm ready to find that partner to share my life with. He's out there. Somewhere. Maybe closer than I think?

One thing is for sure, 'these days turned out nothing like I had planned'*.

*These Days, Powderfinger