Confession

My last post was all about acceptance, and it's true, I do accept who I am and I'm happy with who I am. Days like today, however, it's a struggle.

While I value my time to myself {a lot more these days than I ever used to, probably because it's so rare} I don't handle loneliness well.

I live in a city. I have friends who live in the same city. Yet I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble of isolation and that my only communication with them is via social networking or email.

I feel like this ongoing struggle is a battle of me vs. the world, as I fight to get what my daughter and I deserve, and my strength is waning.

Sure, I have great days. Positive days where I won't let anything get me down, but then the high goes and I'm left feeling low and like I want to give up. I won't give up, I can't give up, but I hate feeling like I'm the only one pulling me back up.

Not being the type of person who will ask for help until it's almost too late, it makes it so hard being so alone. Having no partner in crime, someone to bounce ideas off, someone to cry to, to vent to, to just be with.

The other night, the idea popped into my head that maybe I should move and try for a fresh start. After all, the only thing keeping me in the city I'm in at the moment is my job. Big whoop. But fcuk it hurts that that's my only reason for being somewhere. 

I feel lost. Like nowhere is 'home'. My options would be to stay where I am and keep fighting, move interstate and try for a fresh start, or admit defeat for a while and go back and stay with dad.

Yesterday, I decided that the best option would be to just stay where I am, keep fighting, then reassess at the end of the year. I was confident in that decision. Now? I ust don't know. How do I know that things will improve? How do I know that I have the strength to just give it a go? I know I can make it work, I've somehow made things work so far, right? But why can't that be enough to make me confident to do it?

I confess: I'm lost, I'm lonely, and I need help.